Bad dreams

Just after ticking a box on Facebook to say that I "never had bad dreams" I had this horrendous one: Me and Anakin were at some kind of wildlife park with children and parents milling around everywhere when this female principal bailed me up wanting to discuss some work related matters. I was trying to give her some semblance of focus while keeping my attention on Anakin. I completely panicked for an instant when I lost sight of him when moments ago I was sure he was right by my side. His little voice called out for me and I caught sight of him behind someones legs. I motioned him over by my side and said "Here I am Darlin', just here" and noticed he was wearing these really unusually styled clothes I'd never seen before and would have trouble describing. The principal was vying for my attention again and pushing across her point and then in the next instant I realised Anakin had disappeared completely and my heart felt like it dropped out of my body in that moment. I called and called out for him but had this total feeling of devastation and somehow just knew I would never find him again. It was SO HORRIBLE!! I could feel my sanity ripping away from me with each unanswered call of his name and knew I would be a neurotic mess for the rest of my life, if I could even live through the heartbreak. It was so sever I woke up straight after it, with Bubby snuggled up next to me of course. (Except I wanted to go back into my dream and actually find him! I got back there again but he was still gone.)

I told him about my nightmare in the morning, and after describing my anguish over his disappearance and how sad I was this is what he replied: "Hey Mum guess what? I don't have to go to daycare anymore!". That's what came to mind for him. Getting dropped off and having me walk away while he screamed hysterically! Except it wasn't a dream for him! Oh God, I never want to do that again! I told Greg if he wants another baby, he can forget about me working until they're both school age - as in Prep!!

Speaking of which my period was due yesterday!

Anyway I'm reading this book about a photographer who hooks up with this guy and after a rocky start has a daughter to him. He has a myriad of problems relating to his childhood, I think envies their daughter her comparatively stable one and skips out on them. After that the little girl starts developing habits like binding her own wrist to her mums so they couldn't be separated and walking backward so she could always keep her mother in sight. (Imagine the guilt you'd feel if your kid started doing stuff like that.) Anyway the same day as I had that dream I reached the stage in the story where the photographer's nanny looses her daughter in central park. The little girl had a syndrome called "Deer in the Snow" where she faints for no apparent reason and she had a turn and slipped into the lake and drowns and no-one notices. It takes days for the police to find her (and the mum couldn't recall what she wearing either :( Her grief has completely unravelled her, it's so sad. And really well written otherwise I dunno what the hell I'd be reading it for! I can imagine the moments of utter panic and loss I felt in that dream being stretched out for years. How hard to endure...