I live with three others, whom I refer to as Babe, Bud and Bub. And it’s very disconcerting when I get their pet names mixed up. Accidentally addressing my 10 year old with “Babe” is terrible. Ugh! And I never have been one to call my partner Bub! Blah! I’ve grown up with a sister and a brother who are both Nick and to some of my relies I’m Nad, so we have all learnt to answer to a confused stammering of “Nick-Nad-Naddy-I-mean-NICK!” I’m starting to know how they feel!!
Co-sleeping with a teething Baby who refuses to disengage from the nipple while the tennis is on telly is a powerful antisleeping agent. I’ll sacrifice any amount of sleep to watch a good game. But when Martina Hingis is playing I turn into a Vile Scorpian Woman. She is my favourite sports personality to bag-out on. And I do it so uncharacteristically maliciously! This is me when watching Martina:“Yeah it’s a good thing you’ve got that visor on today – cover up your big shiny forehead! Sorry about those unfortunate lookin’ boobs o’ yours, they’re the saddest looking set I’ve ever seen!! Close ya mouth up!!! Ya slack-jawed yokel. What! Yer teeth so big you can’t even close up yer mouth?” How horrible!!Yes I do talk to the television and yes, I can be a vile b**ch. The bad thing about it is that I have so many people tell me I look just like Martina Hingis. Hideous!
Getting Bubby to sleep is a very tricky business as I’m not like some of you tricky Mums and have always lay down next to mine and ‘boobed’ them to sleep. Once I think they are sufficiently asleep this process begins:First I pick up each limb that is resting on mine and gently ease it down onto the bed. Then I suck my guts in so that our sweaty skin peels apart. Then I have to wriggle back assuming this completely unnatural position so that no part of me is touching him, accept for my nipple which is still stretched out and locked into place (for sure they’ll start looking like Martina’s soon!). That’s when I have to unlock the suction, pulling down on the bottom lip. Only then I gently ease myself off the bed trying desperately not to make anything creak or squeak and if all this has been successful and it is timed favourably with Bubby’s bowel motions and lack of burps he might have a really good sleep. External factors permitting...otherwise....PING!
1 comment:
You Vile Scorpion Woman! How dare you say those things about your doppelganger.
I laughed at the description of yourself spitting comments at Martina on the television. Very amusing, even though I think she is gorgeous.
The boob thing was weird.
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