Sad

Me and my sister took a drive together yesterday and it gave us the chance to catch up on some stuff. Except she had this horrible story to tell me about how the husband of an old married couple she cleans for tried to crack onto her. I hate when I get word that the seemingly beautiful marriages I adore are a big sham!

It’s given me a mini meltdown. I mean outwardly you would think these people had it made – they take weekends together in the camper, read books together by the water…and then you find out this kinda sh*t happens behind the scenes. I want married couples to admire! Ones that stick it out for ever – committed and loving, not because they’re there under obligation and duress. There isn’t any!!I think – why do we even bother? Trying your hardest to negotiate you way through a relationship to make it work so you can go grey with someone and pull up your rocking chair beside him when you’re both old fogies, talking about the grandkiddies. Meanwhile who knows if you give yourself to a relationship for 10 or 20 or 30 years and then you get betrayed and shafted anyway??

I suppose there are no guarantees in life. I’m just a bit cynical as a child from divorced parents who seem to change partners every 6 or 7 years or so and me and most everyone else I know having had babies out of wedlock. And every one else’s marriages being a big joke. I don’t know any fairytales firsthand that’s for sure. It’s depressing.

And then I asked Greg if he was curious about other women and he said ‘Yes”! And that makes me feel like sh*t too. I suppose that’s no sin though, unless of course he acted on his curiousity. He has these “nightmares” (?) that he succumbs to other women and he realizes what a sacrifice he’s made and his betrayal totally wrecks him and he’s left sick and spent. And then he worries one day that he’ll do something to wreck our relationship and I’m like “Yep, that’d do it” and emphasise to him that you don’t let things just happen to you, you make CHOICES! And that if you don’t want to do anything to jeopardize our good thing then don’t! Anyway, he reckons I’ve got nothing to worry about and that he wants us to grow as a family and that we’ll be married one day. I don’t know if I want to be married to a man who agrees that he’s curious about other girls. I’d be married to an honest one though!I don’t know if all this is something I should be expressing on an online journal. But I’m real. Whatever.

Enough of this misery stuff.

My massage client rang back for another visit tomorrow. Yay!